'Doin' it for the Kids'; celebrating 'MotherAltar' #StoriesofmyLife (up-dated)

Two years ago I finished translating 'MoederAltaar'/'MotherAltar'. This piece changed my life. It was published on website/blog dedicated to the subject 'Childless by Choice' and it triggered me to write more about it. All part of my 'Not a Mother-mindfulness', as I call it. Today I share another piece on the matter that I wrote for the website Offbeatfamily.com, but in the end never saw the light of digital day. Even though my private situation has changed (not married anymore), my views on the matter haven't. And in the end, no matter the choice, we're all doin' it for the kids.

'Doin' it for the kids!'

What makes an offbeat family offbeat? The number of kids, the way of raising the kids, having gay parents, taking care of adopted children, foster children, being a single parent or being a family of two: husband and wife? In our case it is being a family of two, my husband and myself. Pretty offbeat these days – because having children (I prefer ‘becoming parents’) is far more normal than not and far more accepted. Childless by choice is the offbeat family-form of 2014 if you ask me. The reason for this opinion is the fact childless by choice-men and –women are often asked why and even more often judged by it (and not always in a positive way). It is more of a challenge for me to defend (I prefer 'explain' but it sometimes feels like 'defend' (or is it me?) my choice than it is for a parent.

To give you an idea, here are some of the remarks that I get: “Really, are you childless by choice? But why are you a woman then?” – Really? – Yes, really. And it was a woman stating this. Really? Yes, really. Another one, “If you don’t give birth than you aren’t a real woman.” Yes, really and again a woman. Comments like, ‘selfish', 'not natural', 'not normal', 'why else be woman (maybe because I’m born this way?)’ are often the rule rather than the exception. So the offbeat family isn’t a family with gay parents of different cultures and nationalities, with children of their own, adopted and foster – no it is the man and woman – married (or not) – who've choosen not to become parents.

Not many people relate to the choice I made, but apparently they let themselves ‘not like and sometimes even hate what they don’t understand’. My choice is made with love, from love and for love. I am convinced that because there are men and women like my husband and myself that other men and women CAN have kids. 

Why? 

Because it takes a whole village to raise a child. If a mother is short of hands, or a father, we can help. We live in your village. We can babysit your children. Because we live in the same village. We, along with you, keep an eye on your children while they’re playing outside. We live besides you in the same village. And if you’re temporarily unable to take care of your child no matter the circumstances, we can step in and we will step in – for as long as it is necessary. We live in your village.

We, as childless adults, know that we don’t know what it is like to be fulltime parents to childeren of our own. But we empathize with the difficult job it can be, the work it takes and with a lot of what comes along with being a parent. It can be overwhelming as it can be magical. But for the moments that it is overwhelming and maybe even a little too much, know that there are people like us to who you can come to for support. We live in your village, we live in the village where your children live. Nurture us, embrace us – let's embrace each other, we all need each other. Let’s do this...
...for the kids!